sobota, 31. avgust 2013

Vicoteka #333

A mattress will double in weight after six years, just like everything else I sleep with!



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More women than men received a PhD last year proving that girls are thinker. I mean more thinky. Thoughtfuller.

Look at my boobs!



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I can't believe "strap on" backwards is "no parts". That's literally the most ironic thing in the world.



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The fact that axe handles are made of wood is the ultimate "fuck you" to trees.



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I remembered my wedding anniversary today.

It was last week.



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Me and my mates were playing poker for drugs.

I won the pot.



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Don't play with a woman's heart, she only has one. Play with her boobs, she's got two of those.



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What's the worst thing to do to a blind person? Leave the toilet plunger in the toilet.



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When a Facebook friend says their hamster died it takes al of my power not to comment
"Did they fall asleep at the wheel"?



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I was drinking at the bar, so I took a bus home. That may not be a big deal to you, but I’ve never driven a bus before.




--

petek, 30. avgust 2013

Vicoteka #332

What's worse than finding a worm in your apple? The Holocaust.






 I did nazi that conclusion coming, Anne Frankly, I like it!






"I have a friend who's Muslim. He knows the Quran back to front...which is handy, because that's how you read it."




--

ponedeljek, 12. avgust 2013

Vicoteka #331

My mum has been diagnosed with Alzheimers so we told her to organise her own surprise birthday party this year.



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A girl from Prague stopped me in town earlier and asked where the best shop for clothes was.

I told her to check Republic.



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Učiteljica: "Povejte vsak eno kratko zgodbico z naukom na koncu!"
Mojca: "Moj dedek je nesel jajca v košari, pa se je spotaknil, košara mu je padla na tla in vsa jajca so se razbila."
Učiteljica: "Dobro, in kakšen je nauk?"
"Nikoli ne nosi vseh jajc v eni košari!"
Jožek: "Moj ata je imel v inkubatorju 10000 jajc in je že vnaprej prodal 10000 mladih piščancev, potem pa se jih je izvalilo samo 8000."
Učiteljica: "In nauk?"
"Nikoli ne prodajaj piščancev, preden se izvalijo."
Janezek: "Moj stric Franc je bil v Tujski legiji. Nekoč so leteli z letalom in se je pokvarilo. Moral je izskočiti s padalom in s seboj je uspel vzeti samo brzostrelko, mačeto in liter šnopsa. Med padanjem je popil ves šnops. Ko je pristal, ga je napadel cel bataljon črncev. Najprej jih je 50 postrelil z brzostrelko. Ko mu je zmanjkalo nabojev, jih je še 20 posekal z mačeto, ko se je zlomila, je pa še preostalih 10 pokončal z golimi rokami."
Učiteljica požre slino, se odkašlja in zajame sapo: "In kaj bi tu bil nauk zgodbe?"
"Nikoli se ne zajebavaj s stricem Francem, kadar se napije."



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Papež Frančišek zahteva od svojih kardinalov, škofov in ostalih popolno skromnost.
Pa vpraša nadškof Stres kardinala Rodeta, kaj bo naredil s svojim avtom Marcedes AMG 55.
Kardinal Rode odgovarja:
“Avto sem že prepisal na sina.”



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Black humor is like pair of legs. Not everyone has it.



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How do you know when your girlfriend is getting fat?

When you start asking your wife for sex.



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Sjede Mujo i Haso u kafani i piju, pa nakon pete rakije povedu razgovor o muško-ženskim odnosima. Haso ispali:
"Meni ti moja Habiba stalno prigovara da više nema džentlmena među muškarcima..."
Mujo odmahne glavom:
"Jok, bolan, nije istina, evo ja neki dan držao Fati kišobran da ne pokisne!"
Haso zadivljeno upita:
"Kada?"
Mujo otpije i odgovori:
"Kad je mijenjala gumu kod Doboja."




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